I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
