Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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