I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
