i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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