I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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