Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
and eventually we just all took our pants off
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
