I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
