After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
