I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
