Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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