I puked a lego.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize