I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
