I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
