apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
