he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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