It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
