I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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