Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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