I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize