I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
