im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
