I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
God, I missed his penis.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
