if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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