I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
