I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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