Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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