We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
