I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
