just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
