On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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