I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
