I faked an abortion last night.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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