i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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