Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
