Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
