You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
