I need help removing her.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
