It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
