you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
