Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
