any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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