Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
