After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
