Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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