I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
