Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
