hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
