Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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