I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
