He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
