alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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