I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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