If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
