My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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