I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
