Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
